The Femicrazy Chronicles

Technically...

2009-02-09T20:03:00.001-08:00

Morgan: hi

me: hey hey. my womb is slowly coming out of my vagina
Morgan: i don't think you can have a womb unless your preg

are you preggo

me: no

thats why i'm in pain

Morgan: right

me: because of this incredibly abnormal situation

me: ok fine

what if i'm spiritually pregnant

Morgan: oh god
me: gawd.

how are you?

Mind-Dumbing

2008-12-14T16:54:00.000-08:00

me: *CENSORED*

12:38 PM i'm teaching myself french by reading french news

and then translating it b/c my french sucks

12:39 PM Morgan: coolio

did you move yet?

how is your job?

i feel like its dumbing you down

12:40 PM where's my whipper-snapper kamdizzleface

12:41 PM me: i'm moving

soon

i found a place

with a roomate

who has a full time job

and is in grad school

meaning

she is never home

so if she IS crazy like my current roomate

I will never see her

and if she isnt crazy, then thats awesome!

ALSO

cheaper than my current apartment

and nicer than my current apartment

12:42 PM AND I dont even have to pay to use the laundry !!!

did you say my job is dumbing me down?

yeah maybe a little

but i think thats life

life dumbs you down

Ms. I have been enrolled in school my entire LIFEO

11 minutes

12:53 PM Morgan: ???

]hey

whats that mean

i love svhool

12:54 PM sorry i had to take a nap for a second

me: i have a mtg in 5 min

Morgan: ok

well

have fun

me: i'm sleepy

i'm going to fall asleep in the meeting

Morgan: i haven't not been sleepy in days

weeks1

take excedrin!

12:55 PM miracle drug!

for headaches

newho have funners

12:56 PM me: huh?

bye!

Reverse Bulimia

2008-12-14T16:50:00.001-08:00

12:28 PM Morgan: what is reverse bulimia, praytell

12:29 PM me: you are gone

you are fleeting

sigh.

12:34 PM Morgan: i'm not gone

i'm invisible

hahaha

me: but you are never invisible to me!

cackle cackle

Morgan: i don't think its disgusting i think its questionable

oh boy

12:35 PM me: I have sent you TWO bunnies

Morgan: ok so tell me what your former status means

me: bunny pics

TWO emails

Morgan: no response!

me: and this is what I get back from you?

reverse bulimia means

Morgan: hahaha

me: i'm lactose intolerant

but I eat dairy products anyway

Morgan: aaaaaah

me: like 3 bowls of ice cream in one night

but

it comes out the other end

Morgan: poop town!

doesn't that hurt?

that would kill me

12:36 PM i'm actually going to my doctor today to figure out what is wrong with my tummy

everything gives me reflux or makes me nauseous

*CENSORED*

a fortuitous realization

2008-06-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

me: i need a spouse
but kam i'm really not into the kid thing
i don't know if i ever will be
all the carrying and feeding
it's like bunnies TIMES A MILLION
Kam: dude
i'm the opposite
i want the kiddies
me: really
Kam: but no husband
me: ha
let's get married
Kam: we should marry!
hahah
me: hahaha
Kam: i'll take care of the kids
and you'll get the spouse
but you gotta bring home the bacon then
me: fine

Conversations of Substance (and Fluid)

2008-06-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

Morgan: hey

i've been there

believe me

but

i was 17

barf!

me: hey!

i've never been there

so re-digest your barf

Fuck Change (.org)

2008-06-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

me: ok i need a change bowl

i have copious amounts of coins

$7.10

i'm rich!

me: actually

$7.47

even richer!!

Morgan: omigod something fortuitous happened today

me: yes?

Morgan: i went to get coffee and automatically went for the large w/out knowing how much money i had or how much it cost

and it was cash only

i knew i had one dollar bill and a bunch of change

it was $1.73

I had EXACTLY $1.73, 13 cents of which was in PENNIES

me: that is awesome

that is the universe watching out for you

Conversations of Substance (and Fluid)

2008-05-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

me: HeLLO!
.....i didnt get my morgan fill yesterday
Morgan: and for that i am deeply repentant
...........one sec must peee

BadAssery

2008-05-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

Morgan: huzzah
me: hi
Morgan: hey
wanna see my mri
it's awesooome
the answer is yes
ok i'm emailing
me: ok sweet
**censored**
Morgan: how cool am I me: that is going to be so awesome
Morgan: i KNOW
me: you.are.badass.
Morgan: patting.self.on.back.
and how badass am i to call an orthopedic surgeon all by myself and get him to read my MRI before the radiology report comes out
me: you are
you beat me in your badassery
Morgan: you beat me in madeupwordiness
me: rly

2008-05-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

WTF

2008-05-06T13:33:00.000-07:00

Morgan: me neither'
man

i need some raisins

i've been so deprived

my one love in this world

me: raisins?

why is he gray

this is bothering me

i want to fix it

its a monkey

how cute

animated monkey

why is this man so adorable

Morgan: what the fuck are you talking about

omgod she's coding

2008-05-06T12:54:00.000-07:00

Kam: i want to code white myself from work
me: lolZ

me: i'm about to code purple all over the place
Kam: LOLZ
i guess i could code green myself from work too
but code white is more fun
mess with everyone
anyways
i just flashed this employee at work
and no one will believe him
b/c why the hell would I flash someone.
I.am.badass.
me: you ARE holy shnykies
Kam: i wonder if that was long enough for him to realize that my left boob is much bigger than the right one
this is how i spend my day.
when I could be doing actual work
me: hahahahaha
Sent at 3:15 PM on Tuesday
me: oh sweetness! free food tomorrow at the memorial service for all the pediatric patients who died this year.

brb
need to code yellow

For Future Reference

2008-05-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

HOSPITAL EMERGENCY CODES

Bomb Threat
Code Orange

Campus Lockdown
Code Gray

Decontamination Team - External
Code Yellow

Emergency Department Closure Due To Internal Emergency
Code Black

Emergency Department Decompression
Code Help

Emergency Management Plan Activation
Code Triage

Evacuation
Code Green

Fire or Fire Alarm Activation
Code Red

Missing Adult
Code White

Missing Infant / Child or Abduction
Code Pink

Respiratory/Cardiac Arrest or Medical Emergency
Code Blue

Unruly Patient or Visitor
Code Purple

Destroying Your Childhood

2008-05-01T19:37:00.001-07:00

Shauvik is this crazy Indian who lives in St. Louis and will soon have to leave the States to marry a nice Bengali girl on his parent's goat farm. They will be a joint family, yes yes. He also destroys any concept of goodness I have, starting with my childhood. But at least he makes me laugh while he does it. Here's a video, courtesy of this crazy foreigner.

Kamvestigators & Morganalyzers

2008-04-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

Morgan: ok i can subject them to kamalysis

me: no that doesn't work

Morgan: that actually just sounds like an exploding kam

Morgan: kamplification!

me: isn't that amplifying the problem!!!

Morgan: yes! therefore subjecting it to more detailed scrutiny!!

me: kamsolve

Morgan: kamagine

kamardimagine

me: kamsect?

Morgan: kamardissect

me: kamarutiny?

ooo

kamaxamine

kamxamine

kaxamine

Morgan: kamzamine

me: err

Morgan: kamxamine i mean

me: kamvestigate!

Morgan: yes!

me: we'll kamvestigate the problem!

Morgan: then morganalyze!

mo' jelly beans mo' problems

2008-04-26T07:19:00.000-07:00

me: i'm in a longitudinal study about music and i have to answer all these questions about my current musical involvement

1:07 PM and how i am liking/attaining/succeeding in my music career

and all of them i'm like N/A n/a n/a

don't care don't care don't care

then it's like "if you're not doing music any more, why?"

Kam: hahahah

what was your answer

1:08 PM btw

i'm on my way to eating about

70 jelly beans

i've already eaten about 40

all black licorice

1:09 PM me: mmmmm those are the ONLY ones i like

wow

kam

we're meant for each other

ok my answer was

1:10 PM i didn't like striving for self perfection in a field that didn't impact society at the structural level and felt like i wasn't helping anyone

also had a degrading teacher who i did not want to emulate

1:11 PM also thought musicians were chronically self loving and holier-than-thou

i got a raise! whoo hoo!

2%!

1:12 PM Kam: sweet

1:13 PM was it unexpected?

thats awesome

but...

me: kind of yeah

Kam: mo' money mo' problems

1:23 PM Kam:

i feel sick

too many jelly beans

1:25 PM me: aw

aw aw aw

you are like a sad easter bunny

1:26 PM Kam: hahaha yeah

you mean like a hung over one

stupid stupid govt

Hey Man

2008-04-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

Morgan: hey man
go with flow
go with flow

me: what if the flow ends!

what if there is no more flow?

Morgan: hey man i ask myself the same question

me: not helping!

Morgan: hey [man]
solidarity helps

2008-04-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

Kam: ooMGod morgan
me: ooooooooomgosh kam what
Kam: if I come to boston
we have to start a band
called Vis-a-vis

me: yes ok but you have to live with me
here's the deal if you want to set foot here you have to live in my house
k?

Kam: you are not excited about my brilliant name and idea!
be excited!
me: i am i am!
vis-a-vis telepathy!
Kam: yes!Kam: yes!
of course I will live with you if I come to boston
that is a given
me: yessssss

Kam: what if we have band drama
me: neverrrrrr

Kam: like
i become the main act

me: and i will be absent!
Kam: like gwen stefani in no doubt
of course i can't sing though
but I can pretend!
me: it's ok i will have to go be a fetal surgeon at some point
Kam: omg we can make medical songs

me: and operate on pregnant ladies bellies

2008-04-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

me: omgosh did you survive the earthquake????
Kam: what earthquake?
me: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89749491
Kam: omg no
i didnt even feel it
and i was in the loop last night
me: whoa!
you must have superpowers
Kam: i slept at my friendsplace in the city
he didnt feel it either!
i didnt sleep well though
maybe thats why
me: maaybe
but they felt it all the way in mich!
and in atlanta!
me: disappointed?
Kam: yes!
i wish i had felt it!
me: me too!
Kam: my friend in boston claims he felt it
me: he is lying
Kam: i know
me: i was awake at 5:30
Kam: oh he said
it was part of a really weird dream
so he might have imagined it
me: maybe it's why i woke up!
Kam: yeah i woke up early too!
and couldnt sleep well
me: it was 5:34 when i finally looked at the clock
Kam: it was hte earthquake
me: !!!
it shook the nation!
Kam: the electromagnetic forcees are disturbing our sleep patterns
like an election!
me: and kinetic energy!
Kam: i should go check and see if theres any crooked buildings in the loop
me: yeah!
Kam: this is exciting!
me: i will look out for broken bridges
wait
all the bridges in boston are broken
Kam: boston is falling apart

hopefully they won't get any earthquakes anytime soon
Kam: i want to be a millionaire!
me: i want a fucking apartment!

stress monkeys

2008-04-16T11:56:00.000-07:00

Kam: riiiiiight
gimmeadvice!
i'm trying to
genuinely
look for jobs
instead of half-heartedly
me: omgz i don't have advice
Kam: its too much work!
me: i took the first job i got
Kam: informational interviews
me: i know
Kam: networking
etc.
me: ew
ew
Kam: etc
me: ew
ew
Kam: garrrr
me: ew
ew

life sucks when you're kam part II

2008-04-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

Kam: i am itchy everywhere
and too poor to buy allergy medicine
so by the end of the spring
i will be one big red/brown hive
w/ hair on top
disgusto

me: poor kam

life pretty much sucks when you're kam!

2008-04-15T10:38:00.000-07:00

Kam: i hit a car this morning

me: was there any bad damage?
Kam: yeah
i put a huge dent over the tire
in the neighbors car
and i damaged teh back corner of the prius
of the family i live with
how much is a deductible normally?

me: i have no idea
i never drive

Kam: so its not even my car
i took the day off work

me: oh good!
you can think about paying for the damage with all the money you are not making today

Soft Little Cuddly Things

2008-04-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

me: omgosh

an australian man had a baby with his daughter

he left her when she was 1

and wasn't reunited until she was 30 and he was 60

and they were in love w/ each other

groooooosso
Morgan: her dad

?

human beings are...awful

me: i just got an update!
turns out they met when she was 15
but they lied and said she was 30\
ewwwwwwers

Morgan: i am vomiting

not really

you knwo what

i suddenly miss my little mexican friend named emil

Wild Animals in The Winter

2008-04-07T14:00:00.000-07:00

Morgan: oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
me: ah ah ah ah me: we could be monkeys

6 minutes

Morgan:aahachahahchhcahcahcahcach

Ok, you have to watch The Office to get this (Yeah I'm talking to you Morgan)

2008-04-07T13:56:00.000-07:00

Morgan: i think we're getting 5 inches of rain per hour right now

2:36 PM me: are you exaggerating

2:40 PM Morgan: that's what billy said

2:41 PM me: is that what she said
Morgan: what who

2:48 PMbilly is a he with a monotonous voice and no friends

oooo bummer

2008-04-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

me: omg kam what could possibly be crappy about todya

 Kam: EVERYTHING

  i think this may top the list as one of the worst work days ever

4:23 PM me: aww

  what happened sweetie

tell mama all about it
Kam:[truncated].............an abusive boss.............fairy godmother..........paranoid...........

..............self-aggrandizing people.......ahhh this is a really long story..................evil..............

........................she's going to hell.................................crazy fucking passaggressive psycho.........she was sick.................
......everyone was freaking out........why did you send the police..............shes so fucking evil...................................... and it turned out they had an anuerism

  *anurism?

  spelling?

  and they died

 me: aneurism

4:35 PM Kam: and there was another guy

  who had asthma and he didnt show up

  but he was reaching for the phone

  but he died

before he could reach it.......................
and basically for a majority of the day

  i've been internally freaking out...........
me: you sound like you need to breathe into a bag for a while

And Now Everyone Really Knows!

2008-04-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

me: this april fools joke isnt flying real well

Morgan: uhoh

me: me: I'M PREGNANT
As(s)hu(le): what
me: yes
As(s)hu(le): i have an extra hanger, i'll be right over

2:29 PM Morgan: LOlZ

2:35 PM me: i think he knows its a joke

42 minutes

3:18 PM Morgan: hi kam

how's the little baby kam

kickin around in there

me: no

i have to go to phonathon today

Morgan: tell them you can't

3:19 PM you're preg and need your rest

me: they wont believe me

Morgan: then tomorrow april fools 'em

me: everyone knows i'm not getting laid

a pair of young beauties

2008-04-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

M Kam: ah young life

3:11 PM my life is nowhere near exciting

  but! it will be!

  once it gets warm

3:15 PM me: exactly!

  my life is only ever exciting in the summertime

  i feel like a troll in the winter

  hiding in a cave, miserable and zitty

3:17 PM Kam: well i'm flaky

  b/c of my dry skin

  if you combined us, maybe we would be semi-ok

  except i'm still troll like

3:18 PM me: Oh honey i have both

  i have eczema on my legs now as of this morning

3:19 PM i got in the shower after my run and was like "hey why are my legs burning"

  "oh look at all the nice red bumps and patches"

  "damn i have HOT LEGS"

  and kam

  us combined

3:20 PM we'd be magnetic

  we'd make some kind of magical nymph

3:22 PM Kam: our flakes would be like pixie dust

 me: eeeeeech

3:23 PM Kam: hahah that was pretty gross, wasn't it?

On Morgie's Blog

2008-03-31T12:54:00.000-07:00

Last Week: "President George W. Bush spoke with soldiers in Afghanistan. "I'm a little envious," he said via a remote video link. 'It must be exciting for you --in some ways romantic, in some ways, you know, confronting danger.'" (harper's)

Kamdizzle said...

you know what's ROMANTIC? getting slapped by Scarlett.

Oh yeah, that turns me on.
Hot in Pants,

Rhett

more projecting; sorry old people

2008-03-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

Kam: maybe he will be clever and witty

 me: he's old he's prolly lost his wit

 Kam: or he could be at the peak

4:48 PM i want to be 65 and extra sharp

  an old lady no one fucks with

9 minutes

4:57 PM me: ok

4:58 PM i'm leaving. i'm going to meet this person and am not happy about it

  i'm just going for the free tea and the shits and giggles

btw

  not shitting or giggling yet

:*(

2008-03-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

Kam: i didz

4:31 PM :D

 me: i was looking for it

 Kam: :-/

:-|

  :(|)

 me: AHAHAHA

ok

  love

it

4:34 PM Kam: i ate another donut

kam is allergic to everything but is relatively lucky in the grand scheme of things!!!

2008-03-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

Kam: my face looks like a fucking tomato

  freaking allergies

  freakin soy in everything

  arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

3:25 PM me: aw poor kam

  at least you don't have a history of prostectamy

  which is a word not found in the microsoft word spell check database

LOLLOST!

2008-03-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

lolZ!

2008-03-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

Kam's new status message - http://lollost815.wordpress.com/
Morgan: LOLOOLOLOZ

omg i miss lost now

Kam:

omgosh can we put the this iz my jackface

on the blog
plz plz plz

coming of age

2008-03-28T12:48:00.000-07:00

Kam: yes i saw the cute bunny

is that your cute bunny
me: no

me: but they are just as sad to have their balls cut off
Kam: what!
is that what spay and neuter means?
me: yes kam
welcome to grown up land
loLz
Kam: hey i've never had a pet

bullies

2008-03-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

me: i didn't ever want to go to school/ on saturdays
Kam: i dont know
same here
sikh sunday school
i didnt speak punjabi very well so the kids made fun of me
jerks
me: aw
Kam: but now theyre all getting married or going to community college
karmas a bittchhh

Hyphy

2008-03-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

Morgan: yes

it smells like coconut! or tanning lotion!

like acapulco!

omg

maybe i am having a stroke

things with holes in them and filled with red stuff

2008-03-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

Kam: neenarrneeenarr

i keep eating the damn donuts in the breakroom

me: haahah
doughnuts make my throat hurt
they burn
it's like an instant ulcer

Kam: but not the cinnamon/powedered sugar donuts

me: a big, perforated, bleeding ulcer

Kam: mmmmm powdered sugar

me: mmm surgery!
someday kam, you are going to have your last doughnut and i am going to cut you open

Kam: ew

Different Strokes for Different Folks

2008-03-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

Morgan: WHY does everywhere i go smell like HOTDOGS

me: are you sURE you're not having a stroke?

Morgan: WHY am I SO THIRSTY today

haha

pretty sure

it'd be like a 18 hour stroke

highly unfortunate

But There's No Toto

2008-03-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

2:31 PM me: man
my boss keeps calling me dorothy
she thinks its funny
seriously

Morgan: hahahahaha

me: no.

Morgan: that's pretty much the funniest name you could ever be called

me: its b/c i'm from kansas

Morgan: wow
that's horrible

2:55 PM Morgan: i'm singing the wicked witch theme to myself now

projecting

2008-03-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

me: he sent me like 4 emails last night
this is not normal
i need normal
what happened to normalcy land?

Kam: ahhh he sounds weird now

me: i don't think he's actually weird
i'm projecting
if it goes horribly i'm w/in running distance of home
oh shit he's faster than me

Kam: but you are small and bouncy
you can run into areas he cannot

me: bouncy?
are you calling me fat?
oh crap i have a meeting

Kam: i mean like a bunny!

Paper Cuts are Bitchin'

2008-03-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

My theory is that everyone in the working world, especially those recently blessed with the attainment of a BA and a job that requires them to sit in front of a computer all day entering data/emailing egotistical types who don't like to be on the CC: list (I'm TO: person, got it?) and basically doing all the dirty work for those recently blessed with an MA, MBA, JD, MD,PhD or what have you, pretty much spend most of their working hours on GChat with all the other under-thirties who are tearing their eyeballs out of their sockets with boredome, taking the stairs voluntarily in order to elevate their heartbeat and nursing about three million paper cuts. These are the chronicles of one such gchat friendship, formerly based on actual human contact, but unavoidably cast from the empirical world into the waves of internet-based society.