Kamvestigators & Morganalyzers

Morgan: ok i can subject them to kamalysis

me: no that doesn't work

Morgan: that actually just sounds like an exploding kam

Morgan: kamplification!

me: isn't that amplifying the problem!!!

Morgan: yes! therefore subjecting it to more detailed scrutiny!!

me: kamsolve

Morgan: kamagine

kamardimagine

me: kamsect?

Morgan: kamardissect

me: kamarutiny?

ooo

kamaxamine

kamxamine

kaxamine

Morgan: kamzamine

me: err

Morgan: kamxamine i mean

me: kamvestigate!

Morgan: yes!

me: we'll kamvestigate the problem!

Morgan: then morganalyze!

mo' jelly beans mo' problems

me: i'm in a longitudinal study about music and i have to answer all these questions about my current musical involvement

1:07 PM and how i am liking/attaining/succeeding in my music career

and all of them i'm like N/A n/a n/a

don't care don't care don't care

then it's like "if you're not doing music any more, why?"

Kam: hahahah

what was your answer

1:08 PM btw

i'm on my way to eating about

70 jelly beans

i've already eaten about 40

all black licorice

1:09 PM me: mmmmm those are the ONLY ones i like

wow

kam

we're meant for each other

ok my answer was

1:10 PM i didn't like striving for self perfection in a field that didn't impact society at the structural level and felt like i wasn't helping anyone

also had a degrading teacher who i did not want to emulate

1:11 PM also thought musicians were chronically self loving and holier-than-thou

i got a raise! whoo hoo!

2%!

1:12 PM Kam: sweet

1:13 PM was it unexpected?

thats awesome

but...

me: kind of yeah

Kam: mo' money mo' problems

1:23 PM Kam:

i feel sick

too many jelly beans

1:25 PM me: aw

aw aw aw

you are like a sad easter bunny

1:26 PM Kam: hahaha yeah

you mean like a hung over one

stupid stupid govt

Hey Man

Morgan: hey man
go with flow
go with flow

me: what if the flow ends!

what if there is no more flow?

Morgan: hey man i ask myself the same question

me: not helping!

Morgan: hey [man]
solidarity helps

Kam: ooMGod morgan
me: ooooooooomgosh kam what
Kam: if I come to boston
we have to start a band
called Vis-a-vis

me: yes ok but you have to live with me
here's the deal if you want to set foot here you have to live in my house
k?

Kam: you are not excited about my brilliant name and idea!
be excited!
me: i am i am!
vis-a-vis telepathy!
Kam: yes!Kam: yes!
of course I will live with you if I come to boston
that is a given
me: yessssss

Kam: what if we have band drama
me: neverrrrrr

Kam: like
i become the main act

me: and i will be absent!
Kam: like gwen stefani in no doubt
of course i can't sing though
but I can pretend!
me: it's ok i will have to go be a fetal surgeon at some point
Kam: omg we can make medical songs

me: and operate on pregnant ladies bellies

me: omgosh did you survive the earthquake????
Kam: what earthquake?
me: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89749491
Kam: omg no
i didnt even feel it
and i was in the loop last night
me: whoa!
you must have superpowers
Kam: i slept at my friendsplace in the city
he didnt feel it either!
i didnt sleep well though
maybe thats why
me: maaybe
but they felt it all the way in mich!
and in atlanta!
me: disappointed?
Kam: yes!
i wish i had felt it!
me: me too!
Kam: my friend in boston claims he felt it
me: he is lying
Kam: i know
me: i was awake at 5:30
Kam: oh he said
it was part of a really weird dream
so he might have imagined it
me: maybe it's why i woke up!
Kam: yeah i woke up early too!
and couldnt sleep well
me: it was 5:34 when i finally looked at the clock
Kam: it was hte earthquake
me: !!!
it shook the nation!
Kam: the electromagnetic forcees are disturbing our sleep patterns
like an election!
me: and kinetic energy!
Kam: i should go check and see if theres any crooked buildings in the loop
me: yeah!
Kam: this is exciting!
me: i will look out for broken bridges
wait
all the bridges in boston are broken
Kam: boston is falling apart

hopefully they won't get any earthquakes anytime soon
Kam: i want to be a millionaire!
me: i want a fucking apartment!

stress monkeys

Kam: riiiiiight
gimmeadvice!
i'm trying to
genuinely
look for jobs
instead of half-heartedly
me: omgz i don't have advice
Kam: its too much work!
me: i took the first job i got
Kam: informational interviews
me: i know
Kam: networking
etc.
me: ew
ew
Kam: etc
me: ew
ew
Kam: garrrr
me: ew
ew

life sucks when you're kam part II

Kam: i am itchy everywhere
and too poor to buy allergy medicine
so by the end of the spring
i will be one big red/brown hive
w/ hair on top
disgusto

me: poor kam

life pretty much sucks when you're kam!

Kam: i hit a car this morning

me: was there any bad damage?
Kam: yeah
i put a huge dent over the tire
in the neighbors car
and i damaged teh back corner of the prius
of the family i live with
how much is a deductible normally?

me: i have no idea
i never drive

Kam: so its not even my car
i took the day off work

me: oh good!
you can think about paying for the damage with all the money you are not making today

Soft Little Cuddly Things

me: omgosh

an australian man had a baby with his daughter

he left her when she was 1

and wasn't reunited until she was 30 and he was 60

and they were in love w/ each other

groooooosso
Morgan: her dad

?

human beings are...awful

me: i just got an update!

turns out they met when she was 15

but they lied and said she was 30\

ewwwwwwers

Morgan: i am vomiting

not really

you knwo what

i suddenly miss my little mexican friend named emil

Wild Animals in The Winter

Morgan: oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
me: ah ah ah ah me: we could be monkeys

6 minutes

Morgan:aahachahahchhcahcahcahcach

Ok, you have to watch The Office to get this (Yeah I'm talking to you Morgan)

Morgan: i think we're getting 5 inches of rain per hour right now

2:36 PM me: are you exaggerating

2:40 PM Morgan: that's what billy said

2:41 PM me: is that what she said
Morgan: what who

2:48 PMbilly is a he with a monotonous voice and no friends

oooo bummer

me: omg kam what could possibly be crappy about todya

Kam: EVERYTHING

i think this may top the list as one of the worst work days ever

4:23 PM me: aww

what happened sweetie

tell mama all about it
Kam:[truncated].............an abusive boss.............fairy godmother..........paranoid...........

..............self-aggrandizing people.......ahhh this is a really long story..................evil..............

........................she's going to hell.................................crazy fucking passaggressive psycho.........she was sick.................
......everyone was freaking out........why did you send the police..............shes so fucking evil...................................... and it turned out they had an anuerism

*anurism?

spelling?

and they died

me: aneurism

4:35 PM Kam: and there was another guy

who had asthma and he didnt show up

but he was reaching for the phone

but he died

before he could reach it.......................
and basically for a majority of the day

i've been internally freaking out...........

me: you sound like you need to breathe into a bag for a while

And Now Everyone Really Knows!

me: this april fools joke isnt flying real well

Morgan: uhoh

me: me: I'M PREGNANT
As(s)hu(le): what
me: yes
As(s)hu(le): i have an extra hanger, i'll be right over

2:29 PM Morgan: LOlZ

2:35 PM me: i think he knows its a joke

42 minutes

3:18 PM Morgan: hi kam

how's the little baby kam

kickin around in there

me: no

i have to go to phonathon today

Morgan: tell them you can't

3:19 PM you're preg and need your rest

me: they wont believe me

Morgan: then tomorrow april fools 'em

me: everyone knows i'm not getting laid

a pair of young beauties

M Kam: ah young life

3:11 PM my life is nowhere near exciting

but! it will be!

once it gets warm

3:15 PM me: exactly!

my life is only ever exciting in the summertime

i feel like a troll in the winter

hiding in a cave, miserable and zitty

3:17 PM Kam: well i'm flaky

b/c of my dry skin

if you combined us, maybe we would be semi-ok

except i'm still troll like

3:18 PM me: Oh honey i have both

i have eczema on my legs now as of this morning

3:19 PM i got in the shower after my run and was like "hey why are my legs burning"

"oh look at all the nice red bumps and patches"

"damn i have HOT LEGS"

and kam

us combined

3:20 PM we'd be magnetic

we'd make some kind of magical nymph

3:22 PM Kam: our flakes would be like pixie dust

me: eeeeeech

3:23 PM Kam: hahah that was pretty gross, wasn't it?